Don’t Forget Your “WHY”
I have been creating my entire life, but no one knew I was an artist until I was 31 years old.
Nostalgic North no. I
That’s how terrified I was of being judged. I held back on showing people the one thing that set my soul on fire because of the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
Until December of 2020 when I realized that painting in the closet wasn’t actually making me happy, even if it felt safe. In fact, I realized it was making me feel cranky, jealous, frustrated, and trapped. Jealous because I would see artist friends of mine sharing their process, actively expressing themselves and I wanted that. That bravery, that resilience. I was cranky and frustrated because the only person responsible for me being in this situation of feeling trapped was ME. I had boxed myself in.
This is when it hit me that taking a risk was far less terrifying than dying someday clutching my paintings close to my chest. That I would never fulfill my childhood dream of becoming an artist if I didn’t give it a shot, even if it mean’t I’d make a fool of myself.
Nostalgic North no. II
So in January of 2021, I created an Instagram account to start sharing my work. It was the birth of a dynamic and expansive journey that has challenged me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I never expected to sell anything, but within a week of sharing my work, I was contacted by someone who wanted to buy one of my pieces. Then the commission requests came in and suddenly I was actually earning supplemental income I desperately needed at the time. I was creating daily and riding this high I could only get by living in my truth and taking the risks I needed to grow.
At one point, when I felt like this whole thing was really turning into a business, my partner Spencer said to me, “Just don’t lose sight of why you started doing this. That it’s something that makes you happy.” At the time I believe my response was to roll my eyes and remind him that I love to paint and “How could I ever forget that!?”
What’s that phrase? Famous last words?
The truth is, that little reminder came in handy this past week… I vowed at the beginning of this year that I was going to meet certain goals to really grow my business. Start selling prints, contact local markets, get my website up. All great goals. The problem is, I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on the business-end of things and guess what happened? I know, I know, I’m totally over here eating my words…
Nostalgic North no. III
It actually hit me in a moment of total frustration, when I was feeling stalled, and I realized that these feelings were creeping up because the sales part of my business was out of my control. So after sobbing onto my keyboard, I finally shut my laptop, I walked over to my kitchen sink, filled my paint-stained jar with water, sat down at my little makeshift drawing table in my living room, and started to paint.
In that moment, it’s like the whole world went silent. No more buzzing thoughts about sales, no more worries about self-promotion or how to market more effectively. Just me and my paper and my brushes and my soul set ablaze once again with the desire to create something beautiful.
In this I found a hidden wisdom, something I’ve gleaned over the past year after I had decided to stop hiding my creative expression. That yes, I create for me, I create because it brings me joy, because it’s something for which my soul yearns. But there is also beauty in sharing it with others — a connection. Sharing artwork is about sharing a feeling from a moment. When that work ignites similar feelings in others or someone finds resonance with a piece I’ve created, an instantaneous connection is made. It’s like someone looking at me and saying “hey, me too, I know that moment, I’ve been there, I’ve felt that.” That connection is something we all need.
That is my “why” for sharing it with you. To know that we share a feeling, that though part of being a human on this plane of existence means we must experience fear or loneliness or darkness, that there is also community, that there is light, that there is love. To me, that is what’s at the center of creating and sharing art.
So if you’re feeling stalled or stuck, do the thing that brings you the most joy, and if you can, share it with somebody too.